I genuinely try to stay away from negativity both from others and especially my own. I find it pulls one into a black void, a void of nothingness, that is extremely hard to crawl one’s way out of. It was hard to take recently realizing I was falling into the blackness and it was my own doing. So easy to blame another and give yourself an out, and so hard, so very hard, to accept your hand in it, right? Ugh why is that so hard? Well how ever it came about I had an aha moment recently. One that kind of messed me up for a moment, made me question things, people, and myself. Now I say it is a good aha a few days ago different answer for sure.
See I have always believed the old adage “Treat others as you want to be treated”-hm sounds easy enough right and something I heard, like many I suspect, growing up a lot. That makes sense, treat other people like I want them to treat me. Easy sure but hard to sustain without getting one’s feelings hurt it seems. I mean when a so called friend says “you really are a sweetheart” with such shock and disgust” you question. When another friend gives you a book saying “you need to be more of a bitch. You are too nice” you doubt! When friends and family repeatedly pat you on the head like a simpleton for your kindness or continually take advantage of your niceness, your trusting that what they tell you is the truth attitude, you start to pull away to close down.
WHY DO I HAVE TO BE MORE OF A BITCH WHY CAN’T THE WORLD BE LESS OF AN ASSHOLE?
Seriously why? Wouldn’t it be better if this were the case? I think so but my questions my answers don’t fit the mold the behavior around me, of those I have attracted to my person, and I am deeply hurt and confused! I want to pull away close myself off. I say to protect that sensitive part at my core that isn’t jaded or angry or worse negative yet, but that is just an excuse to retreat! To blame others instead of owning up to my part in my own hurt. The simple truth is I allowed this treatment by people I care about. Me because I expect the same in return as I give, and that is not fair to either party. I am not them and they are not me.
Enter my aha moment if you will, the light bulb turning on and shining on the obvious……. no need to be closed off, to be angry, to retreat because the catch to that old adage is-
“Not to expect it in return exactly as you give it and to give it freely with no expectations.”
You can be protective of yourself without shutting out those around you. The key is to let them go, wishing them the best pain or no pain in your heart, hence the “no expectations”. No one shares that little nugget of info with a kid growing up. Nope, it’s not until that child is grown and had many lessons (usually hard and painful ones) that they hopefully grasp that extra tidbit. This is what I would teach my child if I had one, and is what I try and teach my niece every time I see her. It is who I am, how I am, what I always strive to do to-
“Treat others as I would like and hope to be treated freely, sincerely, and honestly not expecting or needing the behavior returned (no strings no guilt no expectations) but because I genuinely want to do so.”
-and there is no shame or blame in my game, in being the kind of person I am. I am who I am and who I am is pretty dang ok! Besides you never know how you look through other people’s eyes, so the only eyes that matter are the ones reflecting back in the mirror you’re staring in…………………………………..H
Love
